To Kill A Sex Life #2: Jakey Neighbours from Hell

Sunday 30 January 2011


What better way to kill a sex life than sleep deprivation: the kind that would make a vegetable out of the best of us?

Jake:  A Glaswegian term for a lowlife drunk who has dubious cleaning habits and typically nasally speech. 

We have two such class acts living next to us.  Luckily, we share an adjoining wall but use different entrance halls so manage to maintain minimal contact.  However, this also means we cannot just march across the corridor and bang on their door at 3am when they turn up Elton John, warbling along to Candle in the Wind.

Usually all we have to contend with is their shouting at each other twice a week when they are so drunk that their speech slurs together and the only words we can distinguish are ‘fuck’, ‘arsehole’, ‘bitch’ and other terms of Jakey endearment.  Bless.   But things have just got worse.  Last night Elton was replaced by Beyonce bloody Knowles and we had the joy of listening to ‘Halo’ on repeat.  What a bloody song choice.  I mean, it is repetitive enough at the best of times!  Some uninspired songwriter was having a laugh I’m sure, seeing how many people would buy an idiotic song with the same word repeated a gazillion times (yes, I counted, and gazillion is a real number) just because Beyonce sings it.  There is enough repetition throughout the horror show of the original track without then playing the song incessantly! 

I fell asleep with the Yorkshire Pudding’s finger in my ear as I fought to keep it out. 

7 comments:

said...

Do a turd on their doorstep every day.

Dan said...

I agree with Von's idea :D

Little Miss Hodgepodge said...

HaHa!! Thanks guys, that's helpful. Don't know where I'd get all the turds from. Would have to buy a dog, which is a great idea in itself. Keep the ideas coming : )

Rob said...

In my mind I'm seeing Rab C. Nesbitt singing 'Halo'. I believe it would improve it immeasurably.

Meri said...

I love finding new slang, I love "jake", will have to try that out asap!!
Great blog, can't wait to read more!
Meri
merigoesround.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

hahaha oh man, they couldn't have picked a worse song. Like you said... dear lord, it couldn't be any more repetitive. And screechy. I like the first commenter's idea. Just don't get caught leaving turds. That could be awkward and hard to explain.

Little Miss Hodgepodge said...

Thanks guys!! I'd be cracking up without you :)

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